The Inner Workings

i love and like.

kamillio — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 09:58:07 +0000

I love campfires almost more than life itself. Mostly just being outdoors gives me a high. I always liked rubbing the soft part of skin where the fingers met on my dad’s calloused hands. I love folding towels, especially if they are turkish cotton and bigger than me. I love Marilyn and Audrey for their classic classiness. I love drives to nowhere. Coffee shops. Train rides. Teal and green patterned together. Grandma clothes. When the shampoo and conditioner run out at the same time. And fresh contacts.

I love vegetable fried rice from Royal Express. Cutting my fingernails really short and the result of having to get use to the change of length. Seeing old friends and realizing it is like you never left each others side. Shoes. But not so much heels. I love them but don’t feel like I can pull them off. Sundresses on bikes. Big sunglasses and photographing amazing things. Rubbing satin between my fingers. Reading things and becoming super excited. And then sharing with others and them too becoming excited. Unexpected phonecalls.

I love themed parties! And getting ridiculously decked out for them. I don’t care the cost. I love random and last minute roadtrips. Loading dishwashers strategically to fit the most. Overloading the washer with clothes. Organizing my closet according to the rainbow and style of clothing. Telling secrets over texts or facebook chat. Planning out tattoos that I am too scared to get. And mixes made for me specifically. I like figuring out why the choose the songs they do. And nachos when the cheese gets overcooked and crispy.

I love people playing with my hair. And playing with other peoples’ hair. One day I may go to beauty school. And acupuncture school. And massage school. And behavior studies school. I like school. And cultures that aren’t mine. And that are mine. And peaches that are just right in their amount of softness and hardness. And playing catch. And capturing emotion in peoples eyes in pictures. And real conversations about real things. And people who aren’t afraid to be themselves. And you. Yes. I like you lots.

Peace.

Truth

kamillio — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 10:18:58 +0000

“. . . we usually fall, quite unawares, into assuming that what we are thinking–the ideas and opinions that we harbor at any given time–are ‘the truth’ about what is ‘out there’ in the world and ‘in here’ in our minds. Most of the time, it just isn’t so.” -Jon Kabat-Zinn

I often feel that I am someone who needs proof in order to exist and to move forward in my adventures of life. I have often believed that if I feel that I have proof for something, then I am going to believe and act upon that something. Now, I don’t always follow the path that I believe to be most logical. What would be the fun in that? So how do we know what is truth if what we believe to be truth might not actually be truth?

I know this: my opinions and knowledge of things are constatly changing, and although I believe certain things and will willingly share my thoughts, ask me again about those same thoughts even a day later and they will be slightly different. I may develop and enhance that thought further, or I might tweak it and send it off in another direction.

I love learning. I love thinking. I love ideas. I can’t help it.

Peace.

Beauties.

kamillio — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 11:45:59 +0000

Life is interesting. My life has definitely taken a lot of unexpected turns during this, the year of 2009. With a hard beginning, I have grown in ways I never expected and have had more self realization this year than I could have ever imagined. Much of this growth and various epiphanies are due to many new and wonderful kindred-spirits.

Earlier today, while on a drive, I spoke to one of these friends and remembered the first time we were completely open and honest with one another. After nearly 7 years of friendship, which included spending nearly every weekend together as well as many weekdays, not to mention our many roadtrips, we were able to tell each other our completely honest hopes and desires barely 6 months ago. This is the point in our friendship when we began to really know each other in a true and beautiful way. We have grown together over these fast few months in ways that we had never fathomed. We have had our rocky times throughout the years when we barely even called each other friends due to differing views and goals, and I feared we were going to have another one of these times a few weeks ago. But alas, once again we overcame and the dynamic of our friendship has changed, for the better, once again. The last 4 months have brought the extension of new kindred-spirits into our midst. Being fortunate to reaquaint myself with old friends, and to develop new relationships that are unlike any others that I have experienced before, is an understatement.

Lately I have been thinking as to why I feel so devoted and attached to these rather new friends. I have come to the conclusion that all of these relationships have developed from the act of pure honesty. These new friends know me better than any others and allow themselves to delve into their true selves. As a result, we are all more comfortable with being our true selves. Not only are these the most amazing and honest people that I have ever surrounded myself with, but they are real and allow me to be real and true to myself. I feel bad, but these friends that have recently entered deeply into my life know me better than past friends and ALL of my family. I tell them everything and I do not hold back. I appreciate that they are willing to listen and to not judge, and I appreciate that they feel comfortable in allowing me to do the same. We are all in varying spots in our lives, and all possess drastically different goals and concepts of life, but I love honest and blunt people and I love these jewels. So to those of you who have helped me through a rather tough and trying year, you know who you are, I thank you deeply. I look forward to the future…to the many plans we have made, not only for the immediate future, but for our remaining lives. Excitement does not explain my feelings for the many many adventures that are yet to come. It is something more drastic and beautiful that starts deep down inside. I foresee these adventures lasting not just through the summer, but I know that some of these friendships will carry on until death…maybe not forever, but that is to be expected. I love you guys!

I do want to give a shout out to my good friend “Mo”. We have also been through a lot together over the past three years, and she amazes me everytime I talk to her, see her, or think about her. Mo. I. Love. You. You freakin rock my socks off everyday and I can’t wait to see your smiling face again. And edwards.

Peace.

Another Semester. Another End.

kamillio — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:44:36 +0000

Another semester is coming to an end. As you may remember from previous posts (or not, I don’t expect you to be as involved with me as I am with myself) the ends of semesters mean lots of research papers and presentations that lead to massive panic attacks and breakdowns…not massive enough that I get out of the projects…and that is a good thing. So many things have been ending lately. Some are good, some suck. There are other things I wish would end that just aren’t ending quickly enough (like my auditing job). This summer is going to be one of road trips and good times as I feel this may be the end of my summers as I know them, but then again I seem to say that every summer. The 3 or 4 summers following this one will be spent in school…and then a career.

With all this emotional turmoil these couple of months, and especially with the revelation of new things these last couple of weeks, I am hoping that the tears, the pain and the stress will end. Or at least ebb away. I have hope. I cannot wait…or can I? I love school and I love the challenge of research papers and I hate becoming complacent in my life and thrive on change and not being in the same place all the time, but my feeble emotions tend to differ from time to time.

Today I wrote in minuscule print all of the things on my mind lately and all the things that I have been talking about…honestly and openly, with no regards to how people would feel. I feel as though I can’t really tell people how I am feeling or what I am thinking…things get awkward. Today’s thoughts unfortunately are way to intimate and brilliant to share on a public blog. But I had the idea that I should leave it somewhere for someone to pick up…wouldn’t that be interesting to stumble upon? (Speaking of StumbleUpon…best application ever! Google it, download it, and go! Seriously though) I would love to find someone a complete stranger’s innermost thoughts upon the ground, especially with the knowledge that I might know them but I will never know for sure. I would then walk around wondering if it could be that person I was passing. However I did not execute this plan.

Research is calling me.

Peace.

Post Script: I sneezed 17 times in the process of creating this post.

California Trippin

kamillio — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 01:49:48 +0000

Sculpture Garden at the Hsi Lai Buddhist Temple

The places chacos go.

Tree in the gardens of the Winchester Mansion in San Jose, CA.

Blue print for the Winchester Mansion...that was built.

The door to Nowhere. The entire mansion has such crazy architecture and ideas. It is wonderful.

Yes, that is the Full House house in San Francisco.

San Francisco door. Neat, huh?

Corey at the Fort Mason Pier in San Francisco.

Garrett at Fort Mason

Golden Gate Bridge from Fisherman's Wharf

Night Lights

kamillio — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 04:05:05 +0000

Jeffrey and I went on a road trip last night. We left at 1030 pm and arrived back home about 630 am. So what did we do during this eight hours of joy you ask? We took lots and lots of pictures in Ogden, Salt Lake and Park City. Here are a few and I heart them.

This one is taken close to Ensign Peak.

This is on the landing of the State Capital Building.

This is a random set of doors in downtown Salt Lake. Lovely.

This one is downtown Park City. So cute and colorful.

Peace.

My Dad

kamillio — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 05:22:04 +0000

My dad passed away this morning very unexpectedly, and although it hasn’t fully sunk in I was glad that just last night I took this picture of him. It is perfect.

My Goofy Father

Chris, my oldest brother, and my dad.

I am gonna miss you Papason.

In Jackson and Happy

kamillio — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 05:57:34 +0000

I hate Christmas. Whenever people find this out they are simply confused and just don’t know quite how to react. Christmas use to be fun when I was little. Nate and I would always find the presents before and always knew exactly what we were getting, but Christmas morning no one would know. We were that good. My favorite year was when I found my mom’s hiding place on top of the fridge of the list of everything she had purchased for everyone and how much everything cost. I won by a long shot. For some reason I think the most is always sent on me. I wonder why that is. Probably because my parents love me the very most. The night before Christmas Eve Kenny and I would always sleep under the Christmas tree and just look up into the lights. One of the only parts of Christmas I still enjoy is lying under Christmas trees. Then waking up at four in the morning on Christmas and sneaking down and looking at everything before anyone else got up. Then pretending to go back to sleep. I see a pattern…it seems as though I just really like to know exactly what I am getting…I must not like surprises. Maybe I just show way too much through my facial expressions and this makes people feel bad, so it is really an act of service to search out all of my presents.

But the reason I don’t enjoy this season is due to the stupidness of it all…yes, it is a very mature reason. I hate how people are only nice to everyone once a year. But this is not even true. They choose who they are nice too. Have you ever worked in retail during the holiday season? Everyone is so demanding and rude and they have to have it all and they have to have it now. It makes me irratable. And sad. I don’t like being treated like I am stupid by people who didn’t think to go shopping before the last 10 days of Christmas. Stupids.

I also hate the music. I really like to have music that no one really knows. Freud would probably say this is due to the fact that I have a bad relationship with my mother or something and I need to pull away from society because of this and I do this through my need to have music no one but other awesome people know. Christmas music is the same 10 songs over and over each year. Some sleepy, some folky, some R&By…all with the same words.

Today while redoing the window at the airport for work, a fellow manager and I decided that is why I come to Jackson so often and such random times…not because of Christmas, but because I just like to be changing and pull away once I get into a groove. I get sick of Logan and move to Jackson. After 4 months in Jackson I can usually use a nice break in Logan…but as soon as I get back I long for Jackson. This is my true home. In the summer I hike and swim and raft. In the winter I get to snowboard and snowshoe and cross country ski. Plus there are barely any tourists. It is great. My fellow manager also decided that when I come back in the summer I need to find my self a sugar daddy so I can just stay in Jackson and play.

Keep your look out for any good prospects.

Peace.

Road Trips

kamillio — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 02:32:44 +0000

It is amazing to me that some road trips don’t seem long enough while others seem like they will never end. In the last two weeks I have gone on two weekend trips. The first, the conversation was so engaging and I forced myself to drive slower so that the conversation would not have to come to an end. The second, I drove almost 100 mph the entire way because there were about 3 words spoken per hour and I just wanted the drive to end. So interesting to me.

Me dear friend and I also had a fascinating conversation about religion this week until 3 in the morning and we could have continued on much longer. It was interesting to me. She said that she just doesn’t try to think about religion, but once she had we just sat and speculated. I love my major even though I am not a fan of organized religion for myself.

Peace.

a good weekend

kamillio — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 03:58:10 +0000

Friday:

Went to school.

Had an evening with books and coffee and of course fun with Randee.

Went and saw Bond with Alex, Garrett, Devin, and Rachel.

Watched first (okay not first, but other most recent) Bond with same friends minus Rachel.

Saturday:

Went to a Mormon Fundamentalist church house and talked with some members for a couple of hours in Lehi.

Went to a Buddhist Temple in SLC and talked with the minister.

Ate Buddha’s Feast at P.F. Changs…mmmmmm.

Went to an interesting bookstore in SLC.

Great conversation the entire day.

Went and saw Drew Danburry play = love.

Drew The Man Danburry

Watched Step Up.

Sunday:

Woke up at noon (had gotten up soooo early all week).

Watched this last weeks Grey’s.

Home decored the house with Jeff.

Cleaned the bathroom and bedroom.

Went shopping with Jeff.

Beautiful.

Peace.